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This Los Angeles Home Is Worth Half A Million Dollars, But Wait Until You See It

JANUARY 28, 2016  —  By Tim Unkenholz  
Tim Unkenholz

Tim Unkenholz

Writer and stand up comedian in NY. Check out my monthly comedy show Roomie Raiders at the Creek and The Cave! @timunken

Ever since the housing bubble burst in 2007, it's been harder and harder to find good property in this country. One California home in particular throws all my previous knowledge of the real estate market out the window before promptly setting it on fire.

Looking at the pictures included in this listing, one would assume that the place was once home to a family of walking diarrhea monsters who also had a thing for meth. But then you see that the price is set at nearly half a million dollars. Looks like we'll be renting forever, friends.

This is not a jungle bunker used during the Vietnam War. This is an actual home in Northridge, California, and it's listed at a cool $475,000.

This stately home greets guests with a foyer that was presumably inspired by Tatooine slave quarters, compete with bizarre piping and random crap on the ground.

No, those countertops aren't marble! They're actually just dusted with a layer of rust and disease!

This rare stove was actually imported here from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

The dim light in this hallway is perfect for catching your guests off guard before administering your brand of psychosexual torture on them!

Is that blood in the tub? Probably!

This toilet has likely been swabbed for DNA in so many murder cases that it's basically been nullified as credible evidence in the state of California.

This garage is a good place to chain up your war hounds before the dog fight.

How is this house worth half a million dollars, you might ask? According to the ad, it is located in the back of a "wonderful, well-maintained neighborhood" (full of people who actively try to forget about its existence).

Buy it, and you become the witch of the wood that all the rich kids visit when they need to hear their fortunes.

I have to hand it to the people who wrote the listing, since these realtors aren't really pretending that this house isn't a hobbit hole made out of garbage. In fact, the first two words of the listing are "ugly home," so if you happen to have a ton of cash sitting around, you can be the proud owner of the property that Coldwell Banker calls "the worst home in the best neighborhood"!

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