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26 Things That Would've Been More Fun Than Watching Last Night's Debate

OCTOBER 10, 2016  —  By Madeline Distasio  
Madeline Distasio

Madeline Distasio

Writer and editor holding it down in Philadelphia. Interests include drawing, exclusively wearing black, having too many books to fit in my tiny apartment, and choosing my dachshund over people.

Last night, I baked not one, but two, batches of cookies.

Because how else does one ward off the existential dread that washes over society at large when 2016 presidential debates roll around? I was eating my feelings, friends. I regret nothing.

From threats of imprisonment Stalin style to an utter lack of policy discussion in favor of insults, last night's debate was a tribute to hot messery at its finest. I may not know where in the actual hell candidates fall on major issues affecting our nation, but I do know that these 26 activities would have been more fun than enduring that waking nightmare.

1. Setting my own hair on fire.

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2. Playing in traffic.

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3. Translating "War and Peace" into Armenian.

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4. Going to the DMV just 'cause.

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Read More: This New Web App Lets You Know Just How Corrupt Your Favorite Politicians Are

5. Giving myself 45,000 paper cuts.

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6. Having a bleach cocktail with my rat poison dinner.

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7. Watching any "Real Housewives" series for more than six minutes.

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8. Bustin' out the old calculus book.

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9. Tracing the history of the Taylor Swift-Kanye West feud.

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10. Reading the comments on absolutely anything.

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11. Expecting news media to cover actual news and relishing in my disappointment.

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12. Arguing with my racist third cousin on Facebook.

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13. Filing my taxes.

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14. Fighting lions.

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15. Showing up to an old-timey duel unarmed.

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16. Running my hand through a paper shredder.

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17. Going to the nearest subway station and taking in its many wonders.

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Read More: 10 'Facts' The Vice Presidential Candidates Got Wrong During Last Night's Debate

18. Thinking about college debt.

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19. Discussing string theory with my great aunt who really can't hear at all.

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20. Getting a colonoscopy.

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21. Sitting in the emergency room for hours and wondering if anyone cares that I'm dying.

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22. Reading Yelp reviews for hours on end.

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23. Texting my ex.

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24. Only eating vegetables ever again.

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25. Reliving high school.

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26. Slamming my head in a door just to feel anything.

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Existence is truly awful and life is a mess! Can't wait for the next one.

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