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She Prayed She Was Wrong, But This Mom Knew She'd Never See Her Baby Grow Up

FEBRUARY 24, 2017  —  By Corinne Sanders

Nobody can deny that being a parent is seriously hard work.

No matter how much you love them, dealing with screaming and misbehaving children is sometimes the last thing you want to do after working all day or not getting enough sleep. However, what one mom recently wrote about her baby would make any parent want to hold their child and never let go.

Natalie Morgan was getting ready to meet her unborn daughter in 2015 when her worst nightmare became a heartbreaking reality. She has an important message to share with other parents, so we'll let her tell it in her own words.

"There will be sleepless nights, multiple diaper changes in a matter of minutes, spit up in your hair, pee on your shirt, and poop in your hands, and again -- so much screaming from the baby, and probably from you as well. Every time that happens, every time you feel frustrated and want to run away, please remember my story."

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“My sweet, sweet Eleanor Josephine was born sleeping September 11th. I went to bed the night of the 10th and she was kicking away. I woke up, and she wasn't. I couldn't find the heartbeat on the home doppler. I knew. I just knew. I didn't want to know...I wanted to be mistaken, but I knew. “

"We went to Labor and Delivery immediately, praying the whole way there. They tried the doppler -- nothing. Before they put the ultrasound wand on me, they ran the heartbeat monitor over my belly -- nothing. My heart was sinking fast, and I remember thinking 'This can't be happening...this is just a dream...this can't be happening...They'll find something on the ultrasound...just *something*.' But these were feeble hopes, because again, I knew."

"'I'm sorry...there's nothing there.' I keep having flashbacks to that moment. It's a crippling, all-consuming feeling of utter suffocation, and a memory that will haunt me for the rest of my life. In that moment, I felt trapped as if the ceiling was literally crashing down on top of me. I couldn't breathe, I lashed out, I screamed, I threw things, I threw up...and then a piece of me died with her."

"A couple of hours later, I was induced. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. Dealing with the unbearable contractions, the ring of fire, the tearing...knowing that all of it was for nothing. I was delivering a lifeless child. There would be no happiness at the end of it to help me forget the pain. The pain, unlike my baby girl, would live on forever."

"Then finally, after those hellish hours of labor, she was placed on my chest -- gorgeous, but lifeless. There was no reason to expect that first little cry from her. Instead, it was me who sobbed. I begged her through my tears to wake up: 'Please wake up, baby girl...please, wake up. Why won't you cry for mommy? Please, please, please....just wake up.'"

"She was beautiful. She was perfect in every way. I love her so much, and the devastation I felt, and still feel, cannot even begin to be described. We got to spend six hours with her. We bathed her, we brushed her hair, we held her, kissed her, and told her how much we loved her. And I apologized over and over again for failing her. Oh, how I failed my beautiful baby girl."

"I say all that to say this: my womb, my heart, and my arms are empty. There are going to be so many of you who have babies who are going to cry every time you try to put him or her down. You're going to be exhausted and angry and fed up and all you're going to want in this world is just a little time to yourself so you can sleep or shower or eat. I know, because I've been there with my son. But I will never be there with my daughter. And I would give anything to suffer as only a mother (or father) can in those dark moments of parenthood with her, my dear Eleanor."

"But please just remember, while you're awake at 3 a.m. because you have a baby in your arms keeping you up that late, I'm up at 3 a.m. because I don't. All I ask of you is when you have your dark moments with your baby, find the tiniest bit of strength within you to keep going, and say a prayer of gratitude for your child, as difficult as it may be in that moment."

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"And if you would, say a prayer for me and all the mothers whose children were taken from them too soon. Say a prayer for my sweet, sweet Eleanor who never got to know life outside my womb. Please. Do it for Eleanor. And do it for her mommy who loves her and misses her beyond measure."

Our thoughts are with Natalie and her husband as they continue to face life without their little girl. Share their story if it touched your heart.

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